I’m blocked. I guess this is writers block ? I’m so frustrated with life right now. I’m so frustrated with people. And God ? Well this is what separates the men from the boys. “God doesn’t close one door without opening another…….” “God doesn’t give us any more than we can handle”………… “God will never let us fall”…………………Not that I’m blaming God for any of this. God gave us free will. My son laughed at me when I told him that this is all Adam & Eve’s fault. They ate the apple after God told them not to and we have been paying a price ever since !! So of course, as I sit here bitching about God, I got a phone call from one of my son Anthony’s friends who I have known since he was a young boy. He is an addict. I tried to help him nine years ago but he was not ready. He has 105 days sober right now. He saw the GO FUND ME page on Facebook. He was quite upset. He made amends to me and we talked about how he was not ready to get clean and how grateful he is to have had contact with us and had the seed planted. It was so nice to talk with him.
The past twenty years I drove to Uniontown every day and spent my days working with addicts and helping them to get clean. And on October 8, 2015 our entire world crashed. Literally, it CRASHED. I still don’t know what happened or why it happened. I always thought that we were supposed to be innocent until proven guilty…..not guilty until proven innocent. So many have twisted opinions. I was taught that we have to “give” in order to “get”. The FBI came to my home in June of 2015 and sat at my kitchen table and said……..”you know that you rub elbows with some pretty corrupt people in Fayette County?” I thought they meant drug addicts ! I really can’t any farther with the conversation we had. At some point it will all come out. And I truly cannot wait for that day. The ironic thing was that the addicts were the ones that were/are loyal. The people who I helped the most, who I thought were my friends, are the ones who literally lied and stabbed us in the back. I’m baffled. I just keep having one conversation after another with God. I’m trying to quiet my mind so I can listen. So I can hear what He is saying. So I can get some sort of answer for what is happening now. I’m baffled at all of this.
So living life on life’s terms is really rough at times. I have heard this at least once a day since October 8, 2015…….”Roz, have you felt like using? So, on October 8, 2015, 60 FBI Agents raided our facility. On January 8, 2016 I was indicted and on April 30, 2015 the State shut down our entire facility and on July 28, 2016 my husband told me that he was diagnosed with lung cancer and he would be having surgery on August 4. He also informed me that he has known for the past two months. He did not want to overwhelm us he said. So really, “Roz, do you feel like using?” is not a ridiculous question at all. Fortunately, I KNOW that using will NOT make it better. I know that using will hurt everyone in my life and mostly it will hurt me. However, the true answer to that question is……”YES, I feel like using.”
So we are starting over again. To wake up in the morning and not know how to pay for a tank of gas is a bit humbling. Our kids are literally a blessing; a gift from God. They are the victims in all of this. They did nothing to deserve to suffer like this. I’m amazed at their ability to love me & Sean unconditionally. I’m amazed that they have been nothing at all but loving, caring and supportive. I’m amazed that they have not complained once and have only shown concern. I’m just amazed that they have not judged us or questioned us once. They are TRUE TRUE BLESSINGS.
When the praises go up, the blessings come down.
4 thoughts on “Reality”
I’ll never forget the things you said to me in Michaels office the day you and I actually met. Yes while I type this today I understand that I did not go the route you had expected and that you were upset when I took my sponsors suggestion to move out of your house. I can still say that you gave me something everytime we spoke. You inspired me then and still do. You prolly don’t even remember who I am and that’s OK. I just want to reaffirm to you that there is yet another person who’s thinking you helped change. Another person who’s philosophy regarding life in recovery has forever been changed. I’m not where I want to be. I’m far from where I was and I am OK with where I am today. Roz I don’t care what anyone says about you or your facility. I think on you with admiration and respect everytime I see your posts. your daughters posts or anyone of the dozens of people I’m friends with posts that are still apart of your circle (family) you told me once that this is my time. Now is my time for change and growth and staying clean. I’ve been ready a day at a time for some months now agreeing with you everyday. It took a while to get here but if you never had said the things you said to me in Michael kanes office that day. Who knows if and when I ever would have. Thank you for giving to me still even when you have no idea that you are. Jesse B.
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Jesse, I absolutely remember who you are ! I’m so happy to hear you are doing well and are clean ! Your words mean the world to me, you have no idea how much they help ! I remember you in treatment and I remember talking to you that day when you were in Michael’s office. I’m getting old, but I have not lost my memory yet ! Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing every now and then ! Take care and I love you !
Roz…I have watched you for the past 4 years, and i admire how you put faith in the under dog….And yes people judge..people talk…people can be down right rude! But shit they did that to Jesus! But please know that I am still watching you and to hear you say that using is not an answer gives me hope! I know, for whatever reason, we do not talk alot..but please know that I look up to you! See everytime I lost something..I used! When people talked about me…I used! Just keep the faith! The same faith you put in the under dog when you help them! I don’t have alot but if I can be of help please let me know!
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Stacie, thank you so much kiddo for saying those words to me ! I can tell people the right thing but recently I have not felt it. So I’m going to keep moving and stay grateful for people like you that pop up at the right time to tell me exactly what I need to hear !!! My therapist said to me…”Roz they crucified Jesus…..” You just said the same thing ! I by no means pretend to be Jesus nor do I want to be but I certainly have some gratitude every time I hear that ! Love you Stacie !!! Keep helping the underdog !!!