And so This is Christmas…..

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Christmas 2016.  A rollercoaster ride of feelings.  Ups and downs, tears and laughter.  This is the first Christmas in 33 years that I have not bought one single gift….for anyone.  If you knew at all what Christmas morning has looked like in this house for the past 28 years you would wonder if I was going to even MAKE IT through the holidays without taking the bridge…..or using heroin…….or sitting in the bathtub with a razor blade.  But I can’t do that….because as I was talking to my kids last night they said, “Mum, yea we can’t buy Christmas gifts and we can’t go to New York (another yearly family tradition) and we literally don’t have money for gas…..but we are all alive.  We are all breathing.  There have been so many, many deaths in the past 6 months.  I spent Christmas and New Years as a patient in Gateway in 1983.  The Christmas before I got clean I stole all of the gifts out of my mothers car….I was pathetic.  The next year I spent the holidays in treatment and the years following I spent putting my life back together.

As I’ve told all of you in my other posts, I’m having a really hard time letting go of losing ASI and trying to move on.  I’m so very very stuck.  I just want to sit down and write emails to the FBI and the Department of Health and VBH and Fayette County Drug and Alcohol and the DEA and so many others who I am ANGRY at and who contributed to our demise.  But I KNOW that it will not do me or anyone any good.  It won’t bring ASI/MES back and those people certainly will NOT take ANY responsibility for their part in any of this.  See that is one of things that I learned in recovery…………I learned that when something goes wrong or bad in a relationship…..ANY type of relationship, that the blame falls on BOTH SIDES……remember, there are THREE sides to every story.  Yours, mine and the truth.    The bottom line is that I have not had the opportunity to grieve this loss.  And there are many losses that I have suffered this past year.   My heart hurts.  Literally.  Overdoses, one after the other. 42 deaths since ASI/MES closed.  And the one thing that was helping these addicts was pulled out from underneath them………….for literally no reason.  I will be sentenced in May.  Once I am sentenced, hopefully, I will be able to speak out.  As advised by my attorneys, I have been told to basically SHUT UP.  No interviews with newspapers or anything of the sort.  I’m sure you can tell how I drift off into sharing about ASI in EVERY BLOG !  I apologize for that.  There is SO MUCH MORE to my life and to the disease of addiction as well as the recovery process, that I would LOVE to share with all of you.

I miss you.  I miss my family group on Tuesdays.  I had the very BEST GROUP of family members on Tuesday nights.  They were great and they worked really hard on understanding their codependency and they worked so very hard on their own recovery !  It was awesome !

I need to hear from you.  I need to know what you want to hear from ME !!  I so appreciate you supporting my blog and I absolutely look forward to the comments!  They have been a great support to me at the absolute worst time in my life.  Can you please send me your email address in the comment section of the blog OR you can just email it to me !!


And so this is Christmas
So what have we done
2016 is over
2017 just begun

We have had many memories
At the end of these years
There was so very much pain
We shed many tears

The end of two decades
Came abruptly and quick
It was quite unexpected
It left everyone sick….

Thousands of addicts
Were helped every day
ASI/MES was a family
In many different ways

The Staff was committed
The Addicts were too
April 30 was a tragedy
There was nothing we could do

After its closing
Addicts started to die
So many families
Had to say GoodBye

Were loved by all
We closed with great memories
That we could all recall

ASI is a legend
MES too
Thanks for the memories
To each and every one of you

And so this year is over
I can’t say I’m sad
ASI/MES is in our heart
For this we are glad
There may not be Christmas presents this year for the Sugarmanns, but we were blessed to have met all of the Addicts that we met over the past 20 years.  We were honored to help them and honored that God put each and every one of them in our lives. There are no number of Christmas presents that could EVER equal the love, gratitude and loyality that they have shown me and my family.  This year, Christmas will be remembered in honor of all of the blessings that came from the many Addicts who were patients at one point at both Addiction Specialists and Mary E Steratore Treatment Center.   ASI/MES might be closed, but the memories, the recovery, the dedication, the commitment and the hard work that took place for the past 20 years by both Staff AND by the Addicts can NEVER EVER be forgotten.

God Bless You All

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year & Happy Holidays to all of you.

I love you.

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17 thoughts on “And so This is Christmas…..

  1. Happy Holidays Roz!

    You are a saint in many ways. Family makes Christmas… Not materialistic things. You have a wonderful family. Thank you for your words of wisdom

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang tough Roz… May you and your family have a very merry Christmas and wishes on a way better 2017 !! It’s been of my experience on my journey that even when presented with the truth, people still choose not to believe it. One of my favorite sayings is… Me, God, my Dog and usually my Sponsor know what the truth is and what’s really going on, everyone else can kiss my ass

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy NEW Years to you and your loving family Roz.. keeping you in special prayer for God to hold you and comfort you.. love you lady .. keep strong..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Merry xmas roz, 2 u and ur family. Hope ur husbands health is coming along great.
    I sure do miss the Tuesday night meetings. There’s many things that were said there that has helped me during my 7 & 1/2 years of sobriety.
    I thank you again for helping Jodie along the way, I’ll never forget you. Happy new years!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I loved Asi it was family not just a place to get clean you all cared about each other you was there for Bill and I more then anyone else yes I can get methadone anywhere but the caring, love and just being there for us was why so many has passed and just so you no i was all most was one of them and know one will understand but I gotta so many times of sadness and have not one person to talk about it that could even begin to understand im lossed can’t talk to my mom,daughter, siblings,son’s, or even my husband because not one cares about it except Bill it unbearable and I try to be strong for Bill i don’t put me problems on him and the rest don’t care or understand so I miss you all more than anyone could even begin to know wish it was not this way 😢😢

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I miss you guys too Stacy…everyday gets worse. To be quite honest. I never ever imagined this. Thank you for your support and keep reading my blog !!! Say hello to Bill ! Take care!!!❤️💛


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